Remember to care for the carers.
Genes
Genes
Nobody really knows what causes Motor Neurone Disease or Alzheimers Disease.
Mum had both, and as far as I know no-one in her family has had either disease.
About Me
- Ida Thought
- Amongst other things, this is a love story.... the theme changes occasionally... this year it is fitness and learning to love yourself.
8 April 2015
Genes. #atozchallenge Care for the Carers
Two days after her 73rd birthday my Mum took her final breath. She had Alzheimers and Motor neurone disease (MND). For her final 3 months I was her main carer. A privilege I am grateful for and will cherish forever. This years #atozchallenge theme will focus on being a carer / care-giver.
Freedom from Fear #atozchallenge Care for the Carers
Two days after her 73rd birthday my Mum took her final breath. She had Alzheimers and Motor neurone disease. For her final 3 months I was her main carer. A privilege I am grateful for and will cherish forever. This years #atozchallenge theme will focus on being a carer / care-giver.
Remember to care for the carers.
Freedom from Fear
One of the early signs that Mum had a progressive disease (or two) was the increase in her fear of almost everything. Fear of the dark, fear of driving at night, fear of falling. She was also fearless.
6 April 2015
Easter without her. #atozchallenge Care for the Carers.
Two days after her 73rd birthday my Mum took her final breath. She had Alzheimers and Motor neurone disease. For her final 3 months I was her main carer. A privilege I am grateful for and will cherish forever. This years #atozchallenge theme will focus on being a carer / care-giver.
November 1st is All Souls day. Last year I attended the international mass held at the cemetery for the departed each year, with both my parents for the first and last time.
Remember to care for the carers.
Easter without her.
4 April 2015
Denying Degeneration. #atozchallenge - Care for the Carers
Two days after her 73rd birthday my Mum took her final breath. She had Alzheimers and Motor neurone disease. For her final 3 months I was her main carer. A privilege I am grateful for and will cherish forever. This years #atozchallenge theme will focus on being a carer / care-giver.
Remember to care for the carers.
Denying Degeneration
One of the symptoms of Alzheimers/Dementia can be denial, it is also a defence mechanism.
Conflicted. #atozchallenge Care for the carers.
Two days after her 73rd birthday my Mum took her final breath. She had Alzheimers and Motor neurone disease. For her final 3 months I was her main carer, a privilege I am grateful for and will cherish forever. This years #atozchallenge theme will focus on some of the stories and emotions that presented themselves during this time.
Remember to care for the carers.
Two days after her 73rd birthday my Mum took her final breath. She had Alzheimers and Motor neurone disease. For her final 3 months I was her main carer, a privilege I am grateful for and will cherish forever. This years #atozchallenge theme will focus on some of the stories and emotions that presented themselves during this time.
Conflicted.
At some point I realised:
Encouraging her to eat was more like force feeding.
Encouraging her to eat was more like force feeding.
2 April 2015
Bemused and Befuddled #atozchallenge Care for the carers
Two days after her 73rd birthday my Mum took her final breath. She had Alzheimers and Motor neurone disease. For her final 3 months I was her main carer. A privilege I am grateful for and will cherish forever. This years #atozchallenge theme will focus on being a carer / care-giver.
You can expect a look of bemusement if you tell a carer that they should 'never be a slave to anybody.' (Accusing them of martyrdom has the exact same effect.)
Remember to care for the carers.
BEMUSED and BEFUDDLED
You can expect a look of bemusement if you tell a carer that they should 'never be a slave to anybody.' (Accusing them of martyrdom has the exact same effect.)
1 April 2015
Anxiety and Anger #atozchallenge - Care for the carers.
Two days after her 73rd birthday my Mum took her final breath. She had Alzheimers and Motor Neurone Disease. For three months I was her main carer, an honour I will be grateful for and cherish forever. This years #atozchallenge theme will focus on some of the stories and emotions that presented themselves during this time.
Remember to care for the carers.
Anger and Anxiety
Take a big deep breath in... 2 3 and 4.
Hold it 2 3 4 5.
Hold it 2 3 4 5.
Release 2 3 4 5 6 7. (Repeat.)
From the moment I learned that Mum had less than 6 months to live, I felt anxiety and anger stirring.
28 March 2015
#atozchallenge. Theme reveal for 2015 A-Z challenge.
Hi fellow challengers.
I really thought I had several valid excuses not to do this years challenge.
The last 6 months have been tough. They have also bought me an incredible sense of joy and clarity. Excuse number 1: Turmoil.
I have been home in Melbourne since October 2014 - but will be on my way back home to Europe mid April. Excuse number 2: Transit
My Mum died on Jan 19. My family and I reacted in ways that I am still coming to terms with leading up to and after her passing. Excuse number 3: Grief
I have put absolutely no thought into this years challenge until just now. Excuse number 4: Unprepared.
etc etc etc.
We can all come up with excuses but one thing I've learnt from my dear Mum is that my generation doesn't understand what tough really is. I'm not ready to write all about her yet, but the time will come.
Instead I am going to alphabetically choose all sorts of emotions that presented themselves during the tough times. We all have dark sides. I believe the most horrible people never acknowledge they have one. Worst, are the type of people that lose their shit at you for being upset and then blame you for being or doing something awful...
Positive and optimistic people get angry too, and that is OK. We get upset, hurt, grieve and if people put us in a position where we have to fight for what we believe in - we will. It doesn't make us bad people. In fact, it is quite the opposite, it makes us real.
So for this years challenge I am going to keep my posts very short, a quote here a short story there, a gif (is that a word?) or image, on the emotions that present themselves during the tough times... and perhaps even some coping mechanisms and healing techniques too.
It is time to 'Let it go Let it go'
This other quote kind of sums it up nicely too.
Happy ##atozchallenge to everyone involved and to the people who complain about everyone else's involvement, I hope you have a great month too.
I really thought I had several valid excuses not to do this years challenge.
The last 6 months have been tough. They have also bought me an incredible sense of joy and clarity. Excuse number 1: Turmoil.
I have been home in Melbourne since October 2014 - but will be on my way back home to Europe mid April. Excuse number 2: Transit
My Mum died on Jan 19. My family and I reacted in ways that I am still coming to terms with leading up to and after her passing. Excuse number 3: Grief
I have put absolutely no thought into this years challenge until just now. Excuse number 4: Unprepared.
etc etc etc.
We can all come up with excuses but one thing I've learnt from my dear Mum is that my generation doesn't understand what tough really is. I'm not ready to write all about her yet, but the time will come.
Instead I am going to alphabetically choose all sorts of emotions that presented themselves during the tough times. We all have dark sides. I believe the most horrible people never acknowledge they have one. Worst, are the type of people that lose their shit at you for being upset and then blame you for being or doing something awful...
Positive and optimistic people get angry too, and that is OK. We get upset, hurt, grieve and if people put us in a position where we have to fight for what we believe in - we will. It doesn't make us bad people. In fact, it is quite the opposite, it makes us real.
So for this years challenge I am going to keep my posts very short, a quote here a short story there, a gif (is that a word?) or image, on the emotions that present themselves during the tough times... and perhaps even some coping mechanisms and healing techniques too.
It is time to 'Let it go Let it go'
"Here I stand
In the light of day...
I don't care
What they're going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway"Seriously, copy and pasted quote from the movie Frozen's 'Let it go' song, why won't you centre? I listened to this song for the first time last week... still haven't seen the movie.
This other quote kind of sums it up nicely too.
 |
| Do I have to credit the source if the source is in the image? |
Happy ##atozchallenge to everyone involved and to the people who complain about everyone else's involvement, I hope you have a great month too.
Here is the link to sign up for the A to Z challenge if you want to join this year too.
- I will try my best to get all the badges up before April 1.
Ida
6 September 2014
My Mum has Motor Neurone Disease. #ALS #icebucketchallenge
Some of you might recall I almost chose Alzheimer's disease as my theme in the 2014 #atozchallenge. For several years my Mum's memory has reduced down to struggling to remember things, pretending to remember things and lots of repetitive stories and questions.
I chose not to follow up with the Alzheimer's theme, because I had just returned from a vacation down-under and my emotions were charged. I wanted to avoid further sadness, so I based my theme around the 26 Greatest loves of my life instead. Thanks mostly to my beloved pets, I didn't avoid tears but I did have a few laughs, realisations and releases along the way. I wrote the shortest post about my mother but in some way each post I wrote was for her... she has often enjoyed living vicariously through me.
Several commenters commented that they thought the Alzheimer's theme would be valuable. I promised to use my experience with my Mother as well as my acute/palliative/aged care and dementia nursing to write about caring for ageing relatives, end of life care and loss, at some point.
Since June this year a lot has changed. My mother's hand deformity and loss of balance started pushing doctors in a different direction. She doesn't have Alzheimer's and never did.
If I had written this post 3 months ago not many of you would know what Motor Neurone Disease (MND) is. Many of you still won't because in the United States MND is called Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) or Lou Gehrig's disease. Did you, or someone you know, throw a bucket of iced water over your head recently? It has been a great source of comfort to me that people know what MND is now. My heart reaches out to people who have watched their loved ones die of a disease that hardly anyone knew anything about before the challenge. In a very short space of time awareness about ALS/MND has elevated worldwide. Instead of blank stares when I explain why my mother is dying, people say 'how awful.' I don't need to explain anything which somehow makes it a bit easier, for me.
When I first found out Mum had been misdiagnosed, and had less than 6 months to live, I was angry. I wanted to scream and shout and share her with the world. She is the type of Mum that belongs in fairy tales and women's magazines from the 50's. Perfect. Too perfect.
I still want to share her with the world, and I will. Her philosophies, devotion, guidance, recipes, mistakes and creativity are worth recording, and I don't have children of my own to pass them onto, but all that will come later.
Next month I will travel to my childhood home, approx. 16000 kilometres from where I live now, to help my Dad and siblings care for Mum in the end stages of her life. She still sounds good over the phone it's hard to believe this is really happening... she was supposed to outlive my Dad. I know she can stay strong, at least until that muscle atrophies. I'm not sure she know's how to be anything else.
I remember when I studied nursing, so much of what we were taught seemed like basic common sense. In reality, putting yourself in someone else's non-slip shoes and attending to all their daily living needs with dignity, is an acquired skill. So much of what we do everyday is automatic. It is impossible to imagine every detail that needs attention, especially with Motor Neurone and ageing in general. New obstacles present themselves almost every day.
Yesterday while lying in the bath I put my head under water and tried to emulate what 40% lung capacity feels like during a panic attack, it was scary. I don't want my Mum to ever be afraid of anything...
I have often said (even to 70+ year old's losing their 90+ year old Mum's) that you are never to old to lose your Mum...
How did the response to the ALS ice bucket challenge make you feel? Did you get tired of all the hype or did you just want to see it keep going? I know the answer to those questions depend largely on whether you know someone with ALS/MND. It is an horrible disease that is not restricted to the elderly. Many young people are affected, were you surprised to learn that you did know someone?
My Mum is 72. She is not young, but not old enough either.
Please share your thoughts in the comments section below.
I chose not to follow up with the Alzheimer's theme, because I had just returned from a vacation down-under and my emotions were charged. I wanted to avoid further sadness, so I based my theme around the 26 Greatest loves of my life instead. Thanks mostly to my beloved pets, I didn't avoid tears but I did have a few laughs, realisations and releases along the way. I wrote the shortest post about my mother but in some way each post I wrote was for her... she has often enjoyed living vicariously through me.
Several commenters commented that they thought the Alzheimer's theme would be valuable. I promised to use my experience with my Mother as well as my acute/palliative/aged care and dementia nursing to write about caring for ageing relatives, end of life care and loss, at some point.
Since June this year a lot has changed. My mother's hand deformity and loss of balance started pushing doctors in a different direction. She doesn't have Alzheimer's and never did.
If I had written this post 3 months ago not many of you would know what Motor Neurone Disease (MND) is. Many of you still won't because in the United States MND is called Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) or Lou Gehrig's disease. Did you, or someone you know, throw a bucket of iced water over your head recently? It has been a great source of comfort to me that people know what MND is now. My heart reaches out to people who have watched their loved ones die of a disease that hardly anyone knew anything about before the challenge. In a very short space of time awareness about ALS/MND has elevated worldwide. Instead of blank stares when I explain why my mother is dying, people say 'how awful.' I don't need to explain anything which somehow makes it a bit easier, for me.
When I first found out Mum had been misdiagnosed, and had less than 6 months to live, I was angry. I wanted to scream and shout and share her with the world. She is the type of Mum that belongs in fairy tales and women's magazines from the 50's. Perfect. Too perfect.
I still want to share her with the world, and I will. Her philosophies, devotion, guidance, recipes, mistakes and creativity are worth recording, and I don't have children of my own to pass them onto, but all that will come later.
Next month I will travel to my childhood home, approx. 16000 kilometres from where I live now, to help my Dad and siblings care for Mum in the end stages of her life. She still sounds good over the phone it's hard to believe this is really happening... she was supposed to outlive my Dad. I know she can stay strong, at least until that muscle atrophies. I'm not sure she know's how to be anything else.
I remember when I studied nursing, so much of what we were taught seemed like basic common sense. In reality, putting yourself in someone else's non-slip shoes and attending to all their daily living needs with dignity, is an acquired skill. So much of what we do everyday is automatic. It is impossible to imagine every detail that needs attention, especially with Motor Neurone and ageing in general. New obstacles present themselves almost every day.
Yesterday while lying in the bath I put my head under water and tried to emulate what 40% lung capacity feels like during a panic attack, it was scary. I don't want my Mum to ever be afraid of anything...
I have often said (even to 70+ year old's losing their 90+ year old Mum's) that you are never to old to lose your Mum...
How did the response to the ALS ice bucket challenge make you feel? Did you get tired of all the hype or did you just want to see it keep going? I know the answer to those questions depend largely on whether you know someone with ALS/MND. It is an horrible disease that is not restricted to the elderly. Many young people are affected, were you surprised to learn that you did know someone?
My Mum is 72. She is not young, but not old enough either.
Please share your thoughts in the comments section below.
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13 May 2014
#atozchallenge 2014 Reflections post
I survived the 2014 A to Z Challenge did you?
There's a few too many people who deserve extra mentions for me to list them all here.
In general thanks need to go out to -
Arlee Bird and the co-hosts (and their helpers) - a lot of effort goes into keeping the sign up list tidy.
People who shared posts and left comments (so many were heart warming)
Organisers and participants of the #AZChat on twitter (leading up to and during the challenge) It was a great initiative and certainly improved the social/interactive aspect of this years challenge.
The challenge is certainly a great source of information and inspiration as far as improving the overall look and feel of a new blog too.
My most successful post was my theme reveal post. The hop within a hop - another great idea. Makes me wonder about the benefits of a smaller hop. This years #Atozchallenge 'festival' attracted over 2000 followers. *crowd cheers*
It was overwhelming. I found it impossible to keep up the pace I set in the first couple of weeks and was grateful that I had scheduled the tail end of the alphabet before the challenge started. Otherwise I might have dropped out.
A big congratulations to everyone involved.
My theme this year was '26 Greatest loves of my life.' Below are the links and a brief explanation of each post -
26 Greatest loves of my life - Let's call him Adam
5 years old - who wants to play kiss chasey?
26 Greatest loves of my life - Lets call him Baranaby
6 years old - risk taker.
26 Greatest loves of my life - Let's call him Cazaly
Love me - love my football team
26 Greatest loves of my life - Let's call him Dog
I was surprised by the amount of tears - mine and the commenters.
26 Greatest loves of my life - Let's call him Erik
There can only be one number 1
26 Greatest loves of my life - Let's call him Father
Seems a lot of people wish they had a Dad just like mine.
26 Greatest loves of my life - Let's call him Geronimo
First embarrassing kiss moment.
26 Greatest loves of my life - Let's call them Hormonal teenagers
keeping my love hormones to myself until I sorted out the brutes from the gentlemen.
26 Greatest loves of my life - Let's call her Ida
What's in a name - A lot if your name is Ida
26 Greatest loves of my life - Let's call him Jeremiah
A girls best friend... is sometimes a man.
26 Greatest loves of my life - Let's call him Ken
His Mother put an end to this budding romance.
26 Greatest loves of my life - Let's call it a Love song
A real love song - from a friend... written, recorded, perfumed, and you-tubed :)
26 Greatest loves of my life - Let's call her Mama
Pearls of wisdom because there isn't enough words.
26 Greatest loves of my life... Nature
Nurture nature = nurture yourself.
26 Greatest loves of my life lets call him Oh my Odin
Riské but worth it.
26 Greatest loves of my life lets call him Peridot
Adult love
26 Greatest loves of my life lets call it Quiet I'm reading
Confessions of a reader.
26 Greatest loves of my life lets call it Reflexology
Soul to sole.
26 Greatest loves of my life lets call him Sherlock
Hard to resist.
26 Greatest loves of my life lets call The Truth
Fundamental.
26 Greatest loves of my life lets call him Ulysses
1 heart = 3 hearts
26 Greatest loves of my life lets call him Vent
Forgive and forget.
26 Greatest loves of my life lets call them Wazza and Wyn
Write wrong to right wrong.
26 Greatest loves of my life - sounds like X's
Ode to my exe's
26 Greatest loves of my life lets call him Yarra
Open your heart.
26 Greatest loves of my life lets call him Zoro
Save the best to last.
Thanks for joining me along the way. I enjoyed sharing this part of my life with you.
Are you joining the A to Z challenge road trip?
***
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30 April 2014
26 Greatest loves of my life - Lets call him... Zoro. #atozchallenge
He was 'knockin' at my door, ringing' my bell and tappin' my window too,'* and I still didn't recognise him. What I saw in front of me wasn't the man I thought I wanted... Maybe this is what 'love is blind' really means. He had no choice but to give up. 11 years later, when I had finally grown up, he returned. The timing was perfect.
It's the end of the alphabet but the beginning of my Greatest Love of all.
 |
| NB: Sometimes you have to the cut it. |
If ever a love there was, this is the easiest of them all.
"Because, because, because, because -
Because of the wonderful things he does."**
I'm telling the story from his perspective. More people need to read about what goes on in the minds of men just like him.
His favourite Jim Rohn quote. "When you know what you want, you'll find a way to get it."
He sails and see's lots of shooting stars. He wishes the same wish every time...I might name it 'Three stars one wish.'
Since our relationship began I have learned: The partner of your dreams doesn't always look/sound/dress/behave/act anything like you expected.
Dreams come true so make sure you're dreaming good ones.
I realise today that I wrote this entire theme for him.
5 years ago he sent me this song.
Today I'm sending it to him.
***
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The A to Z challenge. My theme and links to all 26 Greatest loves of my life.
Thanks for joining us during the #atozchallenge, I have been both busy and remiss (thanks Zoe) the last two weeks, but I'll pop in occasionally and see how you're doing. See you at the reflections post.
*lyrics from "I'm gonna knock on your door"
**lyrics from "We're off to see the wizard"
29 April 2014
26 Greatest loves of my life - Let's call him..Yarra #atozchallenge
Y
At 36, I was fast recovering from my favourite mistake. I had my dog and my tiny apartment in a big city and I was living next door to Ben Jackson, the DJ/musician who wrote me a love song.
Quite regularly I'd spend an hour or two at seedy nightclubs at one of his rave sets.
At that time of the night the silhouette of society gathers to the beat of the bass. The Rave culture cops a bad wrap but at the heart of the movement is music and the underlying principle is of Peace, Love, Unity and Respect (PLUR). I met a lot of grouse people of all ages. Some of them crawled right under my wings, others helped my fly. Yarra did both.
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| Image courtesy of www.publicdomainvectors.org |
Yarra was a superb dancer, full of confidence and insecurities. We connected somewhere in the middle of our vast age difference. He gave me insight into the how the younger generation communicate. Constant text messaging. I could have been a Cougar, but there is no way I could have taken myself seriously. Our 'textashionship' was enough.
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| Image courtesy of www.clker.com |
Our private bubble. A connection to the world of 'I'm Okay - You're Okay.'
Over time, the hours between text messages grew longer apart. He's a Dad now and I moved far away to be with The Captain. We have Facebook. He approves of the name I chose for him.
Yarra is said to be a mispronounced aboriginal word that means 'ever flowing river.' It is the name of the biggest river that runs through our home town - the city of Melbourne.
Those text messages taught me to express myself, unguarded. Evidence of which can be seen in the hundreds of pages of dialogue between The Captain and I, before we lived on the same continent.
Successful flirting, for me, is the perfect balance of adventure and boundaries. It makes both the flirter and flirtee feel good about themselves. It is tasteful and respectful.
Have you enjoyed harmless flirting or do you tame your flirt for fear of being misunderstood? Do you think flirtee should become an official relationship status? He's my flirtee... it works for me.
***
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28 April 2014
26 Greatest loves of my life - Let's call them...sounds like X's #atozchallenge
Wow we are at X already.
This journey through the Greatest loves of my life started with an idea to write about all my ex boyfriends... so this is an ode to my eXes.
Somewhere between my childhood loves and greatest love all, I found writing about my exes tedious. I had to find other things to write about, like my dog, career, mum, dad and the world around me... but I did manage to clear up at least one remaining wound - so I'm claiming a victory.
There are plenty of people that got no mentions. Some I dated once (possibly the best night of my life.) Some lasted a Summer (or two) like a repeated holiday romance...
I can't remember how many times I have been proposed too. The two earliest proposals were from guys I didn't even consider my boyfriends - I can't even remember their names - so they didn't get a mention either.
It used to annoy me that guys wanted to marry me. It made me feel less sexy. I didn't appreciate attracting marrying kinds when I was wild about the lead singer of the local club's band... and all he wanted was my friend.
I once believed I could die of a broken heart. I still don't really understand what compels some young women to chase after bad boys, when all we really desire is a good guy. What I do understand is that women want to be loved... and men want to love them. The second we start trying to force someone to make us feel how we want to feel - something is wrong.
Growing up I realised the pain I felt in the past was not caused by my exes but my own ego. The pain of a defeated ego doesn't compare to the pain of loss. The loss of beloved family members (including pets) and friends to accidents, suicide and illness.
It is true that each of my exes is still a part of me. I remember kisses, lingering touches, places we visited and moments of truth with all of them... (I am aware that they remember too) Some of my exes I want to forget, some I want only the best for and at least one I know of, will just have to settle for what's best for them.
***
I'm just so glad I have never been married.
Why do you think some people have lots of relationships and others marry their first loves?
Is living together as big a commitment as marriage? Is it necessary to get married? If not for love than what are the other benefits of marriage? Why did you decide to marry? If you have been married twice or more, what made you decide to marry again?
I'm asking these questions because I have a hard time understanding why people do it.
I still do believe in love that lasts a lifetime. If mariage wasn't an expectation (and didn't save you money on taxes and insurance or help with visa applications) would you do it again and why?
***
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P.s if you are on my email list - sorry about all the updates... I had no idea what direction this post was heading in when I started it.
26 April 2014
26 Great Loves of my life - Let's call them Wazza and Wyn... #atozchallenge
Wazza was a bonzer bloke. He didn't just help frail old ladies across the road, he carried them. He was a sculptor of metal and concrete, and a jack-of-all trades. Wyn was a marine steward whose car needed some minor repairs. Always on the look out to save some money she offered to clean his office in exchange for his time.
It was lust at first barter. The bingle that could have been fixed in a few hours ended up taking much longer. After all the cleaning and repairs were done Wazza personally delivered her fully re-sprayed good as new car to her apartment. She cooked him mango stuffed chicken breasts with a melody of spring vegetables and smashed potatoes.
Life's up and downs had taken their toll on Wyn. She was wary of men and some of their lecherous ways, but this sort of attention couldn't be ignored. Wazza was patient and persistent. After several months, and a few settled blues, they became a couple in love.
A year later he asked her to move into a new house with him. At the slightest suggestion she would think about it, he started moving her furniture out of the apartment. He was brave. At first she worried about protecting her assets then she embraced his enthusiasm. The procrastinator in her was in complete awe.
They moved into a mini mansion with a pool and hosted parties that lasted for days. They endured each others bad habits and encouraged each other to heal old wounds. They argued about manners and the future, sometimes for weeks. It was harsh at times but they always managed to talk about or laugh their problems away.
After a while his almighty laugh began to annoy her and their words became repetitive.
They were both unhappy. He ended the relationship. Wyn hated him for giving up, her family knew nothing of separations, commitments were meant to last. Wazza's family was a web of ex-inlaws and half brothers and sisters. He couldn't understand what she was trying to hold onto.
As the future began to take shape Wyn realised Wazza was right. Their relationship had passed its use by date and she was much better off without him. Wazza was cracking open another stubby when he heard Wyn had found love again. He was happy for her and proud of his decision.
Can you look back on your time together and have a good laugh?
***
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25 April 2014
26 Loves of my life - Let's call him...Vent #atozchallenge
I resisted every advance, but I enjoyed that he was advancing.
The attraction to his arms, was instant.
At first it was easy to say no.
He said he knew I wanted to be with him.
I didn't want him to be with anybody else.
I made deals with him I knew I couldn't keep.
He wished he had kept me a secret.
I discovered love can be a mental illness. Limerence, not love. Love is not always sacred or meaningful. Sometimes it is used as a form of self deprecation - self abuse.
It was short lived, but if I could choose to forget one relationship this would be it.
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| Image courtesy of Wordporn |
When one of my girlfriends told me that he had betrayed me, I didn't believe her at first.
I broke my own rules to be with him. I ignored the warning signs. I made excuses for him and pretended things that mattered, didn't. Who betrayed who?
The hardest lesson of my betrayal was self forgiveness. The reward was grace.
This love story is really about my girlfriend that was brave enough to tell me the ugly truth. I still love her.
Have you ever had to pay the price of betrayal?
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The A to Z challenge. My theme and links to all 26 Greatest loves of my life.
24 April 2014
26 Greatest loves of my life - Let's call him... Ulysses #atozchallenge
I still have the love letters Ulysses wrote to me. I remember thinking I'd keep them as proof that I had at least once in my life, been loved.
He looked like James Dean, complete with Levis and white t-shirt.
There was a huge age difference between us. He was also a Dad with full custody of his two children.
I felt safe, happy too, but like I was just biding my time. We were together almost 3 years but he was a shift worker and I spent most of time working away at sea, month on and month off, with lots of travelling in-between.
He was right about our age difference in the end. I was in my early twenties and my desire for freedom was stronger than my desire for love. I wanted to love him more. When I realised I couldn't, I knew I'd cause more pain if I stayed.
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| image courtesy of clker.com |
Breaking up with him was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make in my life. Leaving his young children and not explaining why was harder... I didn't fully understand why at the time.
Almost 20 years later, through the magic of facebook, I caught up with him and his children again. He's doing mighty fine. His son is a Dad now. His curious little girl is in her early twenties now.
I spent time catching up with her on Skype. We talked about the stray-cat I found that became their much loved family member for many years. We talked like women who had grown up together, or family members that hadn't seen each other in decades. It was a proud moment when she said the love we had shared was lasting.
I recall many woken nights spent wondering if I had made the right decision to leave him. The pull drawing me back towards him was a difficult force to resist.
Ulysses was a warrior in my mind, strong, dependable, a great Dad and a humble bloke. Just not my bloke.
I knew the journey could have been a good one, but the destination wasn't a place I could picture us being together.
Have you ever caught a train and realised you were on the wrong line? Did you hit the emergency brakes or take in the view for a while?
***
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23 April 2014
26 Greatest loves of my life - Let's call it...The Truth #atozchallenge
Ever noticed when kids tell the biggest lies? They don't want to get in trouble, they want people to believe they are smarter or stronger than they really are, or that their life is fabulous when it's full of fear.
They want to be just like their parents (and their parents know everything). It seems logical to act as if you just know everything too. As children, lack of knowledge feels more like a weakness than an opportunity to learn something new.
There is evidence to suggest the more intelligent a child is the better they lie. Perhaps Pinocchio is a better role model than we ever suspected. I ask children if their story is made up, real or both. I tell them I love listening to all types of stories. Fairytales are real to very young children. They don't know the difference between fact and fiction. (Neither do some sociopaths - not all lies are precious.)
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| clkr.com |
The most incredible thing occurred, people stopped believing me when I told the truth. I never had people question my lies, yet my truth was questioned all the time. It seems I only told believable lies but my life stories were unbelievable...
It wasn't easy to tell the whole truth, sometimes it's still hard - especially when it's something you know will cause pain. Especially, if it's something you don't want to admit to yourself. Especially, when you have done something wrong.
The truth is I can't be bothered writing much more about Truth. Like most things in life when you seek it - you will find it (and/or it finds you.)
My personal motto: Be true to yourself and honest to everyone else.
Has finding out the truth about someone's lies ever really shocked you?
***
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22 April 2014
26 Greatest loves of my life - Lets call him Sherlock. #atozchallenge
Unlike the Rooster, Sherlock was generous with his time and attention. He worked on the road, I was in charge of arranging his jobs. I lived close to the office. He began to visit during his breaks. It was convenient. He had a strong jaw and solid stature. We were both single. Well, technically he wasn't in a committed relationship.
He had two women in his life. One he couldn't let go of, and one he wanted to hold onto. They were unaware of each other, or that he chased every other woman he came into contact with.
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| clkr.com |
We promised each other not to develop any strong feelings towards each other. Just hang out, morning coffees, drinks after work, fun. This is how I developed my rule of three. Whether it's a relationship, drinks or a kiss - after the third time, something changes. Before you make your third move consider the consequences.
Here's a poem, inspired by Sherlock circa early 90's.
Two feet on the ground
your head in the air.
Searching for something
that will never be there.
You go out with strangers
and stay out till late.
Skull a few lagers
then call 'em your mates.
Lend a few promises.
Repeat a few lies.
Create misdemeanours
for the sake of no ties.
The journey to self
is hard for a while.
is hard for a while.
Start with the truth
and feel your self smile.
It's no fun to be loved,
if love can't be seen.
Accept who you are,
and what you have been.
Have you ever fooled yourself into loving the wrong person, at the wrong time, for all the wrong reasons?
***
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21 April 2014
26 Greatest loves of my life - Reflexology. #atozchallenge
Happy feet. Happy people.
There are points on the feet that relate to the whole body. They are called reflexes. Reflexology is the study of those reflexes
The first time I tried Reflexology I didn't get excited but I was impressed that the Reflexologist could tell I had back trouble and hormonal issues, just from touching my feet.
I never saw her again, but I decided I wanted to know what she knew.
A step in the right direction.
I eventually enrolled at the Australian School of Reflexology and Relaxation. In 2003 I won Student of the year and the Trevor Steele memorial award. Since then I have worked with both longterm and short-term clients, sometimes as little as a few minutes.
I can tell a lot from your feet and hands.
The problem(s) with Reflexology.
MRI scans have shown the optical nerve light up when the eye reflex is worked, but there is no exacting science that proves there is a link between the point on your foot to the organ we say it is.
The other huge problem is there is no definitive map of the feet. They vary as much as the humans that produce them. Though, they are similar in sections. The toes generally represent the head, the balls are the upper torso, the arch - mid torso and the heels map the pelvis. The left foot is the left side of the body. Right foot, right side. But our brain controls the opposite side of the body so I question this, at least for the brain reflex.
We disagree about firm pressure, gentle pressure or intuiting client needs. Sequences differ, as do the descriptions of how they work and what they are capable of.
There isn't enough research.
There's also the placebo effect to consider.
It doesn't alway fix what you want it to, sometimes it doesn't seem to work at all.
Perhaps the biggest problem is that a lot of people don't love their feet.
It gives me a reason to lay my hands on people, soul to sole.
In the beginning I keep an eye on the time. I treat both feet wholly and equally from top to bottom. I determine the primary reason for the visit and adapt a plan to suit it. We discover areas of tension and points that are sensitive or painful together. I let the feet tell their story. Every pair of feet have a story.
If your curious I explain as much as I can. Most of the time clients fall asleep, so I wait. I want it to be therapeutic and feel good. I compare the before and after of the feet and the way you walk and talk. I ask that you to do the same.
It's a complimentary medicine. I've seen it reduce swelling, pain, asthma attacks and the heart rates of mothers-to-be and their unborn children. I've seen it improve sleep patterns, blood pressure and bowel movements. I know therapists who have built successful clinics treating allergies, childhood bedwetting and hormonal imbalance/fertility problems. Time and time again I've seen it reduce stress.
Positive research has shown the benefits of it's use in cancer treatment and palliative care.
It is an ancient therapy and both a science and an art.
Even if you don't like your feet, it feels good. Just like pedicures or foot baths feel good. Only better.
I found it at a time in my life when my head and heart were to messed up to make any sense of the world around me. It grounded me.
My pudgy, curled up, ugly toes lengthened and became beautiful. Seriously I went up a shoe size.
Have you ever tried Reflexology? Are you a foot lover or hater?
Perhaps the biggest problem is that a lot of people don't love their feet.
What I love about Reflexology is:
It gives me a reason to lay my hands on people, soul to sole.
In the beginning I keep an eye on the time. I treat both feet wholly and equally from top to bottom. I determine the primary reason for the visit and adapt a plan to suit it. We discover areas of tension and points that are sensitive or painful together. I let the feet tell their story. Every pair of feet have a story.
If your curious I explain as much as I can. Most of the time clients fall asleep, so I wait. I want it to be therapeutic and feel good. I compare the before and after of the feet and the way you walk and talk. I ask that you to do the same.
It's a complimentary medicine. I've seen it reduce swelling, pain, asthma attacks and the heart rates of mothers-to-be and their unborn children. I've seen it improve sleep patterns, blood pressure and bowel movements. I know therapists who have built successful clinics treating allergies, childhood bedwetting and hormonal imbalance/fertility problems. Time and time again I've seen it reduce stress.
Positive research has shown the benefits of it's use in cancer treatment and palliative care.
It is an ancient therapy and both a science and an art.
Even if you don't like your feet, it feels good. Just like pedicures or foot baths feel good. Only better.
I found it at a time in my life when my head and heart were to messed up to make any sense of the world around me. It grounded me.
My pudgy, curled up, ugly toes lengthened and became beautiful. Seriously I went up a shoe size.
Have you ever tried Reflexology? Are you a foot lover or hater?
***
Nurture your soles. Nurture your soul (or at least have a foot bath.)
***
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The A to Z challenge. My theme and links to all 26 Greatest loves of my life.
19 April 2014
26 Greatest loves of my life... Quiet I'm reading. #atozchallenge.
"I don't care much for reading" quipped my 11 year old bonus child.
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| clkr.com |
"How could you not like reading?" questioned my 10 year old God child. "I've been to India, outer space, happy, terrified and every other emotion. I get to time-travel, meet people from all over the world and learn all sorts of stuff just by opening a book. I mean how could you not love books?"
***
Confessions of a non-literary book worm.
Bonus child enjoys reading now, but only the allotted 1/2 hour his parents make him do every day. Sometimes he forgets to ask me the time. One minute less is never an option. Over 30 minutes and I stop counting... every adventure filled extra minute.
I used to hide novels behind my text books, and sneak in a few pages during class.
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| Clkr.com |
I download lots of free e-books to the Kindle app on my phone. Buying books is off the budget for now. There's not a huge range of English novels buried in Danish libraries. I promise I will get better at leaving reviews. I have sent email's or private messages to the authors before and have always been pleasantly surprised when they respond.
I try to analyse what's going on in the head/heart of every author I read.
I am not a grammar nazi. I am more impressed with people that can speak two or more languages with slightly off grammar, than a perfectionist in one language - Just because you can't get your apostrophes in the right places doesn't mean you don't have an interesting story to tell.
My biggest confession: I rarely remember the names of authors or titles of their books. I can't even think of one book immediately, where I remember both. Who wrote Wuthering Heights? What was the title of my favourite David Malouf novel? Was Tom Sawyer the name of the novel or the character...? Somewhere in my heart and dendrites each story resides.
(Didn't Einstein say he refused to remember anything he could look up in a book?)
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| Is it a book worm? No. It's a baby dendrite getting longer with every new tale. Image courtesy of www.clkr.com |
***
I use #atozchallenge when sharing my favourite posts.
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Read more about:
The A to Z challenge. My theme and links to all 26 Greatest loves of my life.
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